It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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