Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
