I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm having to shit out rocks
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
