You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
