be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
third nipple confirmed
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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