I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
