oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
worst night to have a conscience
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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