I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
