everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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