If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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