yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
