Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
