I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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