i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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