A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
