Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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