just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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