can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
