I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
