Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
