HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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