yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
