On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
