I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
