im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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