My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
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No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Send help, water and tortillas.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
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Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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