She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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