You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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