i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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