The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there's paper in my vomit.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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