i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
