Buhtt sex?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
