The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
