hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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