I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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