yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
