you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
