I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
