Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
