i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
