So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
