he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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