I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
