he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
