you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
