i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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