so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
