i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
