is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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