If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
