Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
