oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
