I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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