i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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