My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
