There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
