I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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