I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
