I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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