Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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