I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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