I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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